Universe of the Pink Chicken
by orangepossum
Summary: A silly, humorous, often over the top satire playfully making fun of many of the conventions of anime found in this series. This story takes place after Miaka attempts and fails to summon Suzaku. In general this fic is ridiculous and good for a laugh!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** The views and opinions of characters do not in any way reflect the views of the writers.

**Author's Note:** Be aware, this was written by high school girls and that any change in writing style noted between sections is because different parts were written by different people!

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The day was overcast and threatening rain. They had plans to nerd it out by walking to the local used book exchange, stopping by a comic shop to scan the overpriced manga, and finish their excursion off by sharpening their chopstick skills at the local sushi bar. Oh course, Megumi had already gone to the used book store yesterday, had bought all the most recent manga of any worth, and detested raw fish. In fact all she ate was peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, hot dogs and macaroni and cheese. For some reason, that few people understood, she was proud to claim the palate of a five year old.

She had been trying to make the day special. Aki had come by for a visit and this was quite a feat. Usually the girls only were able to see each other over the summers, because they lived so far apart and neither had gotten a license. Aki was terribly afraid to drive, because every time she saw a delicious boy walking along the side of the road she began to turn the wheel. She had hit two defenseless garbage pails and a mailbox because some moron had tempted her by mowing the law without a shirt on.

"Oh, Megumi chan, Aki needs some sexy man flesh!" Aki was seventeen and the bane of her existence was her virginity. Men her own age weren't really men and older men were illegal, so she found herself counting down days until her 18th birthday (11 months, 14 days, and 6 hours) when she could have some college boy or even a hot young professor.

Megumi was in the abstinence camp. She had shown Aki glossy medical photos of STDs and pregnant bellies, but genital warts and motherhood had done little to deter Aki's crazed determination. She had brought her "V Kit" along which contained all the essentials for loosing one's virginity: condoms, lubricant, chocolate sauce, more condoms, thong underwear (for him), dark chocolate sauce, edible underwear (also for him), and sprinkles (rainbow).

"You know Aki," Megumi explained reclining on her bed and gesturing with a banana Aki was going to make victim to condom practice. "The reason you haven't used that "V Kit" is because sexy men only exist in anime and books. They aren't real. Real men are just inferior slugs. A man of true intellect is as rare as winning the loto. You wouldn't let someone who got D's in Algebra put their…thing" Megumi held up the banana. "You know."

Aki's shoulders sagged in disappointment. "You have a point. Although you know I don't really care about his intelligence. Sex is a part of life, like eating and sleeping-"

"Using the toilet," Megumi added dryly.

"Right! I have the equipment for joining in the wild world of fornication, but no one suitable to use it on."

"Umm, hmmm" Megumi didn't really GET IT, but she didn't want Aki to look so miserable. "Hey, you know I found some really interesting new books and manga yesterday. If you can't find a sexy man in real life…." Megumi grabbed her stack of new books and dangled the top one in front of Aki.

"This had better be good." Aki snatched the book away. The cover was bright pink and stained in one corner with a smear of black. She opened the cover and sniffed. Umm it smelled like man.

"Aki! Which one is that?" Megumi asked twisting her head to try to read the upside down title.

"It's called, The Universe of the Pink Chicken," Aki explained and stabbed a finger against the rather sloppy image of a chicken that was doing something chicken-like on the title page beneath the title. "This looks like some lame ass children's book."

"Give me that! I don't buy lame ass books. My taste is impeccable." Megumi tried to grab the book back from Aki, but Aki held tight.

"Ya right, says the girl who cries at the sight of onions and lettuce on her sandwich." Aki tugged the book back towards her and nearly pulled Megumi off the bed.

"Vegetables are icky!" Megumi tugged back.

It was then in the midst of their bickering that a sparkling pink light spewed upwards out of the book like Fourth of July fireworks. The effect was ruined by the cacophonous clucking of chickens.

**…………**

Megumi was screaming and screaming. She remembered pink light and a pile of Aki's condoms swirling up into the air like some kind of sick confetti. She screamed once again for good affect and flailed her arms. She had the feeling she was falling. Next was the sore butt roll in which she clutched her bottom with both hands and muttered, "Ow my ass"

"Hey! What's the big idea!"

Megumi stopped mid-roll. A guy in a blue robe and turban was standing over her with his hands on his hips. Maybe she had hit her head.

"Hello? You stupid?" The man said slowly.

"I'm not stupid!" She snapped. The man tried to help her up at this point, but she was mad and swatted at his hands. All her annoyance evaporated as she looked around. She was laying on a tent that she had collapsed with her fall. By the tent was a cart hitched to a horse. Ok, country. The horse and cart were parked beside a thin dirt road. "Where am I?" Ok, major country.

"You're on the side of the road leading to the capital of Konan" The guy explained, once again speaking in the slow voice.

"The what? Where?" She began to pace. "Okay calm breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth. Aki must have slipped me a recreation drug. This must be a trip."

"Hey, crazy lady, help me fix my tent!"

She glared, but she HAD broken the tent and it was only polite to help the guy out. He looked travel worn and tired. She held up the tan fabric while he readjusted the poles. He dusted off his hands and seemed pleased with the work. He bent to move into the entrance and gestured for her to follow. Normally she would never enter a tent with a strange man, but he was thin and not too tall so she knew she could take him. Plus, this was a drug trip and really all in her head. Inside the tent was well lit as the light came through the pale, thin fabric. A woven, colorful rug was underfoot and some cards and a large crystal ball were scattered across the rug.

"You've messed up all my stuff," complained the guy, picking up the crystal ball, some incense, and cards.

Megumi glared at the ball. She was sure that is what she had fallen on.

"What's the big idea anyway….falling from the sky and wearing strange clothes," his voice trailed off and he stared at her, actually he stared at her boobs.

"What?!" she snapped.

"Nothing. Here, let me do a free tarot card reading." He picked up the rest of the cards. "Now let's see." His hands quickly shuffled the cards and flipped some over. "Hmm, I see you are from a strange world." He continued turning over cards. "You now find yourself alone. But someone will help you. He is very handsome, I see. And charming, debonair, courageous-"

"Great," Megumi broke in. "When does he arrive?" The guy's eyes changed from blue to red. "Ummm," Megumi pointed. "Your eyes just-"

With a large squawk a chicken entered the tent and began flapping wildly towards the guy. "What is it Usagi? Gaurds? How far away?" He lifted the chicken so they were nose to beak.

Okay… first his eyes change and now he has conversations with a chicken. What had Aki given her and should she kick his ass and steal his cart now or wait to see what else happened?

The guy stood up and began tossing his cards and crystal ball in a box. She had to scurry out of the tent as he rolled up the rug and ran past her to toss it into the wagon.

"What's going on?" Megumi yelled.

"Uh, nothing. Just some good business further down the road." He grabbed the box, the chicken now inside, and put it into the wagon. Then he took down the tent in much less time than it took them to put it up. "Are you coming?"

"Yeah, sure but first I gotta ask. A chicken named Usagi?"

"Just get in the cart," he ordered. She climbed up next to him in the driver's seat and the horse started to walk. The guy ordered it to go faster with the reins and kept glancing down the road behind them.

"What's wrong?" Megumi asked. But she didn't get an answer because a group of guards popped up around them, strangely all looking like identical twins. Ronan's eyes turned yellow.

"Uh, hello gentlemen," he said when they were close enough to hear. "Can I interest you in some self-reading tarot cards? Or how about some good luck charms?"

The guards didn't look interested. They nodded to each other and grabbed them.

"Hey let go!" Megumi yelled. "Don't you have to read me my Miranda Rights? I'll sue!" The guards gagged them without a word of explanation. The trip was long and dusty. She spent the whole time staring at the tarot card reader's back. She hadn't even asked his name. Eventually there was the noise of people talking and moving around them. She was able to turn enough to look around a bit. Yes, they were in a city with elephants in the streets and gangsters beating each other up in dark alleys. When she saw they were taking them into a palace she decided that it was quite possible to read too much fantasy. She wasn't surprised to arrive at a throne room. And of course the gags were removed and they were forced to kneel. Next she would find out she was someone of great importance or something like that. She stifled a yawn and hardly listened as some magistrate introduced the Great Emperor, blah blah yadda yadda…

"Ronan Chickenfarmer, you are charged with practicing astrology without a license. A one year curse will be put on you. You will grow feathers every time you tell a lie. As for you friend-"

This was so boring. She needed to do something exciting. "Wait! No!" She called out as she jumped up. "I'm innocent, I swear! One minute I was in my room and there was this book and the next thing I know I fall on this guy's tent-" Urrrrr….what the hell? The Emperor was wearing the most ridiculous clothing ever and….staring right at her boobs. Well, maybe this could work to her advantage. She hugged herself as if cold and the Emperor's eyes widened even further.

"Take them away!" shouted a magistrate.

"You've got to believe me!" she yelled as she was pulled away. "Honestly, I just mphh!" A guard put a hand over her mouth to stop her from talking. Still struggling, she was pulled away with Ronan.

The magistrate chuckled. "Reading books and falling out of the sky. Everybody wants to be a priestess. Eh majesty?"

The Emperor was deep in thought. "Huh? Oh yes, we quite agree."


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** The views and opinions of characters do not in any way reflect the views of the writers.

**Author's Note:** A short chapters about Aki. There will be much more, as soon as I have time to edit.

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Aki shuffled her way down the middle of a rutted dirt road. Not only did she not have a sexy man or her "V Kit", but she couldn't find Megumi. Obviously she had been transported to another world via the magic chicken book. Yet, she hadn't met anyone or found her friend. This unique journey was really lame so far. She began cursing under her breath, colorfully enough to make the plants of either side of the road begin to wither.

"All I want is an island of sexy half naked men to service me! Is that too much to ask? I've been good. I'm well mannered." Aki shook her fists at the sky. She lowered her arms and bowed her head. She had been walking for HOURS.

An object caught her eye. It was circular and bright neon pink. She nearly passed it for its color. Pink had gotten her into this mess and it clashed horribly with her fire engine red hair. She had just dyed it last week to match her new bra and panty set that she totally planned to wear to the next home football game. Maybe she WOULD score with some sexy jock from the opposing team during half time. But now she wouldn't! She was in a boring alternate dimension or some shit like that. Well, that pink book got her into this mess maybe this new pink thing would send her home. She scooped up the object and wiped the dust off with her shirt. Her heart nearly stopped. Labeled at the top of the object were the words SEXY MAN in bold pink letters on a white background. A spinning arrow moved around the object's face.

"Spank me, it's a compass that can please my endless yearnings." She narrowed her eyes at the spinning arrow. "Show me a sexy man!"

The needle glowed red and spun wildly. She teetered where she stood as she became dizzy watching it, yet her determination did not wane. A pink light engulfed her and then a sudden hot liquid. Aki found herself submerged in a bath. She rose sputtering to the surface and pushed away the hair hanging in her face. A blurry figure took shape before her and she blinked. It was a man so gorgeous it should be a sin to look so damn good. She kissed the compass. The man reached for a sword.

Perhaps the compass had worked too well… She backed up a step as the naked man unsheathed his sword. She realized he was probably royalty. The room was gold and red with more gold the furnishings and the bedroom sized bathtub. The guy's eyes were even gold. "Don't behead me!" she cried covering her eyes (which was very hard. The guy was nearly god level in sexiness) "I'm just looking for my friend Megumi! There was a book and then I appeared here and now I can't find her…and…and" Aki peeked at his glistening pectorals between her fingers. "Oooooo"

"Are you an assassin of Kutou or a demon of the underworld?" he asked in a cold voice.

She glared at him. Oh, she hated wearing wet clothes and this guy was just so mean with his big sword out pointing at her. "Demon?!" she spat. "You may be pretty but I don't like being insulted. I am a helpless virgin desperately in search of a sexy man…er..and my friend Megumi."

He fluttered his long eyelashes and grinned at her. "Oh, I know I am beautiful."

Was he actually preening? "And arrogant," she whispered under her breath.

"What was that?" he growled.

"Nothing" She smiled and took the opportunity to scrambled out of the tub. He moved quickly and the sword was pointed at her throat. He was now completely exposed. Her mouth fell open as she stared at his gloriously naked body. Seeing the line of her site he shrilly called for his guards. His whole body was shaking causing the sword to bob alarming in front of Aki's face.

"You think to gaze openly at my rapturous body short, flat-breasted demon wench? I, the Emperor of Konan and celestial warrior Hotohori?! Savor what you have seen as you sit in the dungeon!"

Guards stormed into the bath and seized Aki's arms lifting her between them. Aki kicked into the air and squirmed. "Hey! Get off me you brutes! Taking advantage of my helpless size, huh?! Have you no pity on girls who enter strange worlds and loose their friends?!"

Hotohori covered himself with a silk robe as they dragged the wild demon girl away. He gazed into the nearest mirror and adjusted a strand of hair. Hmm…another girl claiming she was from a different world. These newest girls were nothing like Miaka: not gentle, beautiful, kind, or alarmingly stupid. In fact the first girl had seemed quite intelligent and this last one was a common pervert. Could it be? Could they really be girls from another world like Miaka?


End file.
